Empty

Ever had those moments where you just feel extremely sad to the point that you're running out of things to feel and suddenly feel nothing... just empty..

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I kept turning in my bed, positioning myself, putting my blanket on and then removed it after a few minutes and it kept on and on for ours till I finally knocked out. When I woke up for work, I did what I usually do. But somethings just different about this day. I am so quiet and blank.

I thought about money. How people lavishly spend their money on stupid, unnecessary things while I was trying hard to budget mine for I am no longer asking from my parents and I pay some of our bills. My salary isn't that big but it's just enough. But really, I kinda wished to be on the other side for a moment. To be that someone who shops her heart away, who travels and goes to anywhere she wants. I wanted to be SELFISH. I wanted to think of myself only and to get all that I want. Thus, the emptiness knocked once.

I thought about love. I thought of the movies and how perfectly written their love stories were. I thought of how everything was in perfect timing and I thought of mine. It was probably one of the best stories ever written, but difference is, 1. it is true and is not a story but is life 2. the timing is not as perfect 3. we're apart and 4. i couldn't control everything. I wanted to be SELFISH. I wanted to control our situation. I wanted to be spoiled of flowers and chocolates and other things. I wanted movie dates, lots of hugs, out of town vacation. I wanted someone to pick me up after work and someone to kiss me before I sleep BUT I'd have to wait for the right time. I have to let him grow up for us. I have to let him be a better man. Thus, the emptiness knocked again.

I thought about family. I thought of how it feels to be in a complete one. I felt dismayed with people taking their families for granted because of selfishness and pride. I thought of having both parents on your side during your birthday, recognition day, graduation day, wedding day.. And i thought never having mine. Thus, the emptiness came inside me.

As much as I wanted to completely share how I feel, words probably wont be enough. Thus.. I am empty.