She's gone, permanently

I was a lola's girl. I could remember when I was little..when my mom was still an active teacher..I was always left with my apong (lola). She would look after me, make me sleep after my class. I grew up spending most of my time with her. I used to hang out in her room, tell stories, then she'll give me food and we'll eat together. When I'm mad at everyone, i go straight to her. Her hug is enough to ease my pains.

When I graduated from high school, she changed. She became weak. But she always emphasized that she should still see me graduate from college. That I'll become a Lawyer or if not, a Nurse so that I could take care of her. She was one of my biggest fans. And she's the one i never want to dissappoint.

She became weak. She got thinner, and thinner. I was always the one and the only one she allows to buy her groceries. Even when she gives the three of us money.. (me,and my 2 other cousins), i always get the higher amount. My day wouldn't be complete if i wont see her, lie beside her and talk to her.

Dementia. Alzheimers. Whatever they call it. She couldn't remember even the names of her own children. She kept on going back to her past, her childhood memories. Her grade 1 song. She crawled like a baby. She used diapers like a baby. It's like her second childhood. She wanted lollipop instead of rice. She loves cake and ice cream. And, I was the only one she remembers. My whole name. My voice. My hands.

The moment she hears me call her, she smiles. But she still thinks i'm like 3 or 4. She's very protective of me. She doesn't want me to play in the rain for i might get hit by a thunder. She doesn't want me to go out all alone. She was like my mother. She acts like a child but a mother to me. She always holds my hand and expect to never let me go. 

The moment she got weak, we already prepared ourselves. We knew death was coming. We prepared her dress, shoes. Everything was ready. Every time i spent with her are truly memorable. She was like my best friend. Whenever i feel so low, i just lie beside her, hold her hand and she'll hold my hand back, tighter. Its like she knows what i feel.

Then, she had another attack. the worst one probably. she just lied down. that's where she got her sores. We tried everything to treat it but it just got deeper and deeper. She was in so much pain. And it's getting harder and harder to see her each day. My mom and i would cry everytime we bathe and change her. She was helpless. All she could do was moan and cry because of pain but we couldn't do anything.


She had a blank face. No one could talk to her except me. All she answers back is me. She couldn't eat. She calls out my name at night. She always wants me beside her. Until, one night..I was telling her to sleep. She answered, I dont want to sleep, I might not wake up anymore. 

She did wake up the next morning, still weak and looked like she was dying. I had to leave for my affiliation so I bid goodbye. I told her to wait for me if she can. I know she had been waiting for my graduation. Then i hugged her tight, not knowing that that was the last time i would see her, ALIVE. (april 6, 2008)

While i was in manila, i still had the chance to say my last hello to her (april 9, 2008). she wasn't responding. but my mom said her eyes were blinking. her heart rate was 36bpm. I was shocked but they told me not to worry. After a few hours, I had my duty, and i broke an ampule in my hands. I knew something's not right.

The next morning (april 10, 2009) i talked to my niece. she was so tlakative that time. what i didn't know is, she died a few hours ago. I still went for duty thursday night. Then, friday morning, i couldn't sleep. I kept on turning in my bed. After a few hours, i finally closed my eyes. 

April 11, 2008, i woke up at about 2-3pm. Then i read my msgs. One msg was asking if it's true that my apong died. I was shocked. I texted everyone home, no one replied. I texted nino to confirm it but he replied so late. I tried to call everyone but not a single one answered their phones. Then, a call from my mom..she's really gone. I bursted into tears. All alone, in our room. No one was there but me. I felt so alone. Moreso, she's gone.

I went home the next morning (april 12) just after my duty. I was shaking upon entering the funeral home. Then, i saw her. She was so beautiful. She looked so happy and at peace. Family was there in full force. Dasha was entertaining everyone. I went back tomanila the same day trying my best to arrive the time before my am duty.

Everything went fine as if nothing happened. Everyone thought i was ok. Only few knew i was mourning. April 16, after the am duty, I went back to tugegarao for the funeral which will be on the 17th. Then on the same day, few hours after the funeral, I traveled back to manila trying to catch up for the morning duty. I had no rest. i Barely slept. 

Now, im home. and everything feels so empty. No more apong. But i know she's watching over me. I know it's a lot better out there. We'll miss you and we all love you

Blog posted April 29, 2008 via Multiply. Read the original post here: She's gone, permanently